A voicemail message that stunned me. A bit.
After accusing me of selling ecstasy to her 15 year old daughter on 16th December 2005 J hasn’t spoken to me since. Till yesterday that is. The 31st Jan 2006. The contact came out of the blue. A voicemail message that stunned me. A bit. She said she was going to send this email to our boss. Did I tell I worked with her at the University? No? well, I do. Much to my chagrin. Not only is she an old friend she’s an ex lover. Well, she is an ex everything now. See 16th Dec incident for more details. Ok, here’s the incident now. I’ll show it to you as the email I sent to GG, our mutual boss.
G,
Today I got a voicemail message from J which said the following:
Transcript of message received from J P at 2.10 on Monday, 30 January 2006;
Hi P its J. Listen. I think you’d better come in. S is really upset and I’ve just read a couple of emails that have been bandied around. And I think that you are basically being extremely sarcastic and giving S a hard time. And, as I’ve said to you before, if you can come in with all your paperwork I’d like to actually sit down and talk to about the way you are actually dealing with the paperwork and also the way you are upsetting the staff in the DSU.
I’ve got this email and I understand you’ve been talking to H. If you can possibly not get involved in organising allocation or passing messages on to tutors. That’s our problem here. That’s our side to deal with. And I don’t really particular know why you’re spending so much time getting involved with the allocations side and upsetting perfectly decent members of the DSU. And I’m going to have to forward this on because S is in here in floods of tears here now. And I don’t really understand what the message is actually insinuating. So could you not upset S anymore and I’m going to forward this onto G.
As she has said she is forwarding the email message she refers to onto you I though I would send you my own copy and explanation.
At 11 o’clock this morning, Monday, 30 January 2006, 2 learners turned up at Carrel N where I was tutoring for the day. They were JW and CJ. I was scheduled to see EC but as he had been allocated elsewhere I was expecting a new student but had not heard who. I could have been either of them. Catherine said she had been allocated Carrel P with HW; John said he had been allocated to Carrel N.
As Carrel P was occupied by another tutor and student I rang H to see if she was perhaps in another Carrel somewhere else in the library (we share carrel N on Mondays). She said she had not been notified that she had been allocated another student and was unaware that she was to see her for the first time that morning. Would I please tell the student that she will sort it out and see her next week at the same time? I rang the DSU office and spoke to S; mentioning too that J had turned up as well and asked was he my allocated student?
S sent me the following email:
========================================
Message Received: Jan 30 2006, 11:20 AMFrom: "S L" To: "P A" Cc: "J P " Subject: JWHi P,Here is a copy of my email sent 16th January regarding JW’sreallocation.
S----- Original Message ----- From: "S L" To: "P A" Sent: Monday, January 16, 2006 1:57 PMSubject: change of students> P,>> Just letting you know that EC has timetable changes as you knowso we have had to put him with another tutor. You will now have JW at the same time, date and location as you had E.>>Hope this is all okay. Please let A know on a.xxxxx@xxxx.ac.uk ifhe doesn't turn up for sessions.>> Best wishes,>> S
I replied:
----- Original Message -----
From: pa
To: S L
Sent: Monday, January 30, 2006 11:55 AM
Subject: RE: JW
Thanks S,
Just met JW! Didn't receive that email you say you sent. Never mind, no harm done. I'll be over to the office when i get a bit of free time to drop my paperwork off. Thanks,
P
S replied:
========================================Message Received: Jan 30 2006, 12:17 PMFrom: "S L" To: xxxxx@xxxxx.fsnet.co.ukCc: "J P " Subject: Re: JW
P,
I've checked my outbox and as shown on the email attached, this email definately went to your address. Perhaps there is a problem with your email provider in which case, perhaps you would be able to get a UKC account so that you know that you are receiving important information that is sent.
Best wishes,
S
I replied back:
S,Ha! Ooh... I wasn't for a moment doubting your professional integrity by insinuating that you'd not sent the email :-)
I do not have any known problems with my provider. Unfortunately sometimes emails do disappear into the ether and no one knows why or where they go! I do have several accounts including a uni account (p.a.xxxx@xxxx.ac.uk ) a yahoo account (xxxxx@yahoo.co.uk ) and a wanadoo account (xxxxx@xxxx.fsnet.co.uk ). Perhaps if you sent all future email corresponance to my Uni address it may be 'safer' but any of them would be OK? All my email addresses are routed to one account which I check daily.I've also spoken to HW regarding the student CJ. H will now be seeing her as from next monday from 10-11. She has said she will talk to you regarding carrel allocation as carrel P was occupied from 10-11 today. Anyway....
Have a nice day S!
Yours,
P x
It was the above email that provoked J’s voicemail message to me.
I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding and has been blown out of proportion a bit but I do not like being accused of upsetting people and being sarcastic; especially when no harm was intended. If J and I are to discuss this matter further, would it be possible to have you present?
Yours,
PA
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It’s long and complicated my story with her but I may as well try and talk about some of it here. Just to clarify things in my head a bit I think and also to expunge the feeling still swirling round my mind.
God knows when I first met. She has always just seemed to be there in my life in one capacity or another. After I’d moved to Kent. It must have been in the late 80’s or early 90’s. Anyway, we discovered that we’d both been brought up in the North East within about 10 miles of each other. Our teenage years were spent at similar and the same venues and pubs around Gateshead and Newcastle. Never actually meeting each other. We were friends for 12 years plus before becoming lovers 2 years after she split with her then boyfriend RC. He now doesn’t speak to me either. I didn’t know the rule that you don’t sleep with your mates ex’s. And it was before I found out how ‘mad’ she was too…
More on this soon…
Paid In Full; slow news day...
A day of payments fulfilling a few weeks of debts owed. It’s tough shit buying a cheap council house on a “troubled” council estate – which I have – then defaulting on the mortgage. Which I have. Only by juggling credit card cash withdrawals and putting them straight in to my bank account have I staved off another nasty letter from GMAC RFC; the most heartless bunch of bastards in the whole of capitalism. Ha!
Also paid J off the £300 odd quid I owed for the hol in Portugal. Minus her air fair for Biarritz; which she bailed out on at the last minute. But you know all this anyway. She’s still blanking me anyway so she’ll just have whistle if she wants the rest. Really thinking about fucking her off anyway. No, don’t think about that again. Not for now anyway…
Just need to arrange this £450 with MDM for the speaker repairs and we’re off again. At least with the rig up and running again we can earn a bit of extra cash doing the old wedding and birthday vibe. Roll on.
Also learnt today that the project I work on may have it’s funding pulled in June. A whole 6 months early. Fuck; I better start looking for another job quick. Do have one I could go for; working in Sheppey. App form needs to be in by 31st Jan. I better get on it.
My flat mate D leaves next weekend for a 40 week job in Cornwall. He’s a builder boy and being corrupted into the ways of cocaine fuelled prostitution use by this “mate” of his; R. I’ll tell you more about the saga me him and R had the night a police sniffer dog decided to follow the trail of a burglar to the front door of our house.
Oh, last but not least, on a slow news day as it were, P&J have finally sold up; bought their round the world tickets and are off the 14th Feb for a year. We’re gonna have a little farewell party for them and a meal out at the Moroccan restaurant in Canterbury.
a loping all encompassing monster
What a fucking weekend. A series of highs and lows never experienced since, ooh, last weekend. Why can’t I find some sort of stability in my life? I seem detached and aware that I’m leaving the magnetic pull of a group I so loved and respected but now only have ambivalence towards. Trying to organise a bloody pub gig was like trying to split the atom. As MDM said “we must be able to bloody organise a gig down the fucking pub. We’ve done it 10,000 times and each time it’s a bloody nightmare”. And it is. Charles was ignoring me again. He has most of the tVC rig down his place. I’ve found him nearly a grand’s worth of work in the past 6 months but still our rig is not repaired. He wants £450. Immediately to repair the tops. One of the drivers was ripped by this guy James, who MDM had convinced himself that he was a “genuine bloke”. I thought he was a bit of cunt, and said so, but MDM stuck by him till the night at a “Moulin Rouge” party James, the coked up twat, decided to go postal and punch MDM a few time whilst he was DJing. He then went outside and was brandishing a piece of 4x2 threatening MDM with imminent death. MDM went outside and gave the poor cunt a bit of a hiding. He’s so strong he is. He doesn’t know his own strength. Anyway, that’s why one of the top main mid drivers is out of action and we’re looking at 300 sobs to get that repaired. Plus a few of the high ends are fucked. Aah. I can’t arsed. But, MDM has offered to go halves. Which is nice. Maybe we'll get the rig up and running by the summer party in Provance. Good news from Fitzy in that we’re going to do a joint party in Provance again this year. Should be good. Can’t talk more about it till the Fitz has finished reporting on CBB for the website. Busy girl. Hopefully we'll include the Soulful Sessions, Kerfuffle, Sizzle, Peg and tVC DJ's in all this abroad stuff. Which is nice. So Charles ignored me all weekend. Only coz he knows I’m trying to blag his rig for another free gig. In the end we borrowed some of the Soulful Sessions boys’ kit. Not the greatest sound in the world but they saved our sorry arsed slacker skins from imminent failure. In the end the gig was a lovely little affair and a real chilled out audience appreciated the nice soulful house music. After went to Bean’s gaff. She’s a cracker. J hates her which means I like her! Another independent, smart woman who knows her mind. My mate SS likes her a lot. We had a great night out clubbing in London together; getting twatted and having a laugh. We stayed up all night having a laugh, listening to music. CJ was there. Stitched himself up on MDMA then proceeded to tell me my ex, NJW, was still in town living in her van with the guy she ran away with. He said she was asking after me and then burst into tears. Good to see SAP too. Ain’t been out for a long while them two. Just finished their extension on their house. Good people. I love them.On the woman front I “caught up” with T and R on what used to be for me some lovely beautiful walks with some gorgeous friends. Now they are a nightmare of avoiding hatred stares from the witches of twatsville. God, I’m beginning to hate those 2 a bit. T was more sniffy and aloof than usual and I could see it really pained her to even talk to me. i think mentally and socially she's a little inadequate to. I bitterly regret that I ever got sexually involved with her. A man can only tolerate the brush off for so long before they just give up. i have offered her the hand of friendship but when trying to organise things with her or even co-ordinate weekend timetables she's very evasive and secretive. This usually ends up with her turning up to things I’ve arranged with chums and other friends. Much to my consternation and annoyance. Why can't she stick to her own social circle? Why does she have to continually intrude upon my life? I feel as if I've been used by this woman, both sexually and socially and now this great lumping nemesis is continually on my back. How can I get rid of her? But I digress; as I see it, J&E are my friends and I’ve been friends with them long before T ever met them. And if she wants to hang out with them she’s gonna have to get used to the fact that I’m going to be there and around them more than she is. Had what we call the Challock walk today with a bunch of lovely chums. Was only marred by the ginger hanger on who blanked me most of the day. Oh, bugger her. I ain't focusing on her anymore let alone writing about her. J. oh fuck. Got a demand for money off her last week for the holiday we went on for her birthday. I do owe her the money and am paying her back today but only because I’ve just been paid. This woman is the craziest mother fucker I have EVER met in my life. Loco loco. Talking to the lovely H she said oh don’t worry about her not speaking to you for a month; once she never spoke to me for 4 months. What was that disagreement about I asked. Oh, she replied, nothing. A slight disagreement about something. That’s what J is like though. Real or perceived slights to her are punished with a severity so strong you are left in no doubt that you don’t mess with this crazy mutherfucker. Ever. Sad I know. But then again I still love her for some crazy fucking reason. What a stupid fucking cunt I am for feeling like that but i do feel an antipathy with her. Still have time and friendship for her. If she wants it. The promiscuous, lying bullshitter that she is! Nice BJ’s though! Thank god she never reads this or she won't be speaking to me for years! R is still ignoring me but hey I fucking can’t be arsed with her sorry arsed immature school playground tactics. She’s an emotional retard and I’m increasingly becoming distanced from her. Shame, coz when she was still a worse retard than she is now and had no friends it was the tVC people who took her on and gave her a grounding in socialising and tolerance but she seems to have forgotten all that and as she slowly poisons my ex girlf towards me all I can do is stand back and think that what she is unconsciously doing is ostracising herself from the very heart of her own social life. Only time will tell if I can reconcile and move forward. i still hold out hope but she's a stubborn fucker that only time will melt. Meanwhile I’m still working up the University on dyslexia support and my students continue to not attend tutorials. I feel like I’m wasting my time here sometimes. But hey, the moneys good. It's the boss who is a fucking bitch (hey! it's J if you hadn't guessed. Don't fuck your boss or fuck with your boss would be my advice) and everyone is scared of her.
Thinking of applying for the SkillsPlus manager’s job in Sheppey. At 30K a year the money is a bit better than what I earn now so I think I’m going for it. May mean buying a little flat on the island but I think I'd like to do that!
Seeing the lovely S tonight. We’re going to have a beer down the Blue Anchor, then I’m going to cook her some lovely food and we got a few good films to watch. Aah. “Domestic bliss” of a sort but don’t be deceived by the relative simplicity of this part of my life it’s just as crazy as I think it is. Her ex is a Irishman, as wide as he tall. a Walter Mitty character, says S. stole loads of money off all their friends. A domineering, emotional bully. S is well pissed off with him and hates to be dominated in any way. Which suits me.
Later today I’m dropping of J’s money in the form of a cheque, minus the money she should have paid me for the dirty weekend in Biarritz that she cancelled at the last minute because her 15 year old daughter had been raped. A sad state of affairs indeed that has already made a crazy woman step over the edge. It greatly pains me but I feel so for her and feel so close to her. Yet her misogyny, bad as it was before, is now a loping all encompassing monster she has sacrificed our relationship on. Her daughter raped by a fuck wit in a club who still remains at large. Police incompetence ensures that. But I'm sure if little R has half of her mother's spirit and determination she'll survive this experience with a renewed strength in her misogynistic distrustful behaviour towards men. All passed on to her by her ever loving mum.
the vilest most despicably amoral
Well, feeling quite confused about things at the moment. Not really having anyone to talk to about it either I though I’d just go back the old running stream of consciousness and let my shit photos, but taken with love, illustrate what I have to say.
It’s not that I don’t have plenty of loving friends who would listen to me if I chose to talk to them; it’s that having someone who can be your confidante and still let you be yourself wholly. A lot to ask from friends who have their own life and inner thoughts to experience and sometimes, like at J’s birthday party, I want to talk but somehow my life and feelings are sublimated to the greater good of the coolective. I must sit and muse and observe and be alone in a crowd. Something familiar. Something comforting. In this mood though people talk to me about themselves and their lives and concerns and I love them being themselves. These people expressing themselves out loud. I genuinely feel pleasure in their pleasure and their hopes and dreams. My fears, concerns and the bits of my life that I can’t control but still hurt me must take a back seat.
The party is the mask where hurt is banished, where love is all. Fuelled, in my case anyway, by mediocrity, blandness and routine of the every world we must live in. The work, the bills, the blame. The loneliness.
Well. Main issues first. J, T, R; 3 women I my life who I love very much, and more dearly in a way than any other women I have known. Problems of relationships and ostracise shaped holes. These 3 women who I have relied on, craved their love, their support, desire, cuddles, all having deep issues with me that only their silence can communicate. Anger, misunderstanding or just plain can’t be fucked with my emotional life anymore. Women who I socialise with and even photograph unwilling to talk or in one case even look at me. Who can I talk to about this? Who will understand and listen to me? Why do I want someone to do that? Why can’t I just get on with it like everyone seems to do? Why is it such a problem to me? All I can do is be strong in myself and be resolute. I still have my life to live and objectives to reach despite this hostility I feel from people I love deeply. A love I crave yet do not receive. Behaviour not tolerated. Loose words used like flagellating whips to hurt and destroy. A glare, a disapproving stare. A head filled with hate.
Thank love for the beautiful S. In my life and accepting in a way that none of my other friends are. So open. No moral judgments. A relationship? A voice in the dark.
T doesn’t seem to want friendship on my terms; only hers. A difficult friend who I’d dearly love to be closer to me but isn’t. Never was and never will be. Must be honest about that really. Emotionally void of any depth but hurt to the quick by her husband; caught sleeping in her bed with one of her friends. Not nice. Not forgivable. I was kidding myself. Or was i? She says things like I do love you you know? The exact same phrase N used to use on me when she was being unfaithful to me, her patronised cuckold. She’s not the person I thought she was. I guess I'm just learning about who she really is. I still hold out a hope; but me focusing on preserving an emotional state of mind that doesn’t really exist is something I cannot do. I still hold out hope that an understanding can be reached; that we can connect and remain connected on a deeper level than we have so far achieved. We won't though. Meanwhile i feel violated by her hate.
On R I have given up with her for now. I had to. I was being drained emotionally by her and her words of malice. Her negative energy is destroying mine, and other relationships, in her sphere. What can I do?
J, a love so strong in me; now dead. This grieves me the most as of the 3 she is my longest friend but her treatment of me is something I cannot bear any longer. Such a loving person when she wants to be; the vilest most despicably amoral cunt the rest of the time. She’s done this before to me, and others, but no more. Negative energy is to be avoided.
For now a respite in mediocrity with a focus on the people in my life who are positive.
