1997 Part 28 - it’s all going down the pan…
Because I was involved in Pam’s ‘conspiracy’ as she ‘played around’ behind John’s back it really affected my relationship with both of them. Pam’s blown us all out now and me and John are half way to repairing our relationship. I’ve apologised to John and really did want to tell him what was going on but everyone, including Nicky, warned me off because no one wanted to upset the apple cart and maybe John might have ‘shot the messenger’ but he didn’t get a chance to because Pam left him just like that a few weeks before their 25th wedding anniversary, and, God, what a mess that whole sorry, sordid business was.I wonder if the same thing is happening to Nicky and I and whether they are all conspiring against me because it seems that the female sexuality in our group rules the roost and us guys are really small satellites in orbit around their love that we desperately want and desire.
After I’d kicked off Sunday and told Robin to ‘fuck off Nicky and leave us alone and stop upsetting the balance of the group’, he didn’t have a clue. I wanted him to hit me but he wouldn’t but I wish he had. I had had a whole string of people, including Louis, telling me to ‘ease off’, ‘back up’, ‘chill out’. If Nicky wants to be with Robin there’s basically NOTHING I can do about it. It’s her choice and she’s going to make that choice whether I kick off a lot or not. She will be pushed towards him the more I express my frustration and she may ease off this full on 5/10 relationship if I do. I don’t know.
I say 5/10 because that what’s she’s told me she has with him. With me it used to be a 10/10 (oh glory days of my life) but now we’re down to a 6 or a 7 i.e. not much difference between me and Robin; only one point or so difference.
At Rosie’s on Sunday Terry stands behind Chris’s back and looks over his shoulder at Conrad and mouths ‘fuck me, fuck me’ to him. At the Woodpeckers on Monday I catch Conrad’s eyes across the grass and he holds two hands up. One, five fingers spread wide; the other, his fore finger stands proudly erect. ‘Six’, he mouths and pisses himself laughing.
That’s the thing though; all the long term relationships are falling apart. There’s no trust, respect, monogamy or even true friendship. What’s going to happen to Nicky and I as our friendship falls apart? As I slowly lose trust in her? As the respect disappears in a fog of lies, deceit, arguments, accusation and counter accusation? I can only sit it out and wait. Knowing deep in my heart that it’s all going down the pan…
posted by DJCabbaged @ 11:19 am
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