1997 part 5 - This made her behaviour even worse
That was when the jealousy took hold of me for the first time. Rather than accept the straight facts there as they were given to me. Rather than realise the inevitable and see that she was telling me something good for her but terrible for me. This great fear of abandonment I have (or so said the couple therapist me and Nick go to later down the line) rears up and manifests itself in the form of the green eyed shit. The jealousy asks questions then answers them for you. All you can do is agree because it might be a way out. It might be a way that she will not do this and reverse it somehow and be like she used to be when it was you she loved. Yeah. That's it. A desperate attempt at some sort of retention.If they've done it once then it's only a matter of time before they do it again isn't it? Yes, says the jealousy, keep a eye on them says the jealousy. Find out. Watch her. Don't trust him. Why did they do this? And on and on. I felt a bitter, defeated blow. A relationship reaching it's change point, tilting, through one kiss?
This made her subsequent behaviour even worse. Nothing changed. We still lived with each other and worked and partied. Except now at parties she'd ignore me and sit and talk with R all the time. The change was perceptible. The chill outs were the worst. He'd give her E, bottles of wine, lines of 'paste' (base amphetamine). I wouldn't see her for 48 hours and then she'd come home exhausted, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep, go to work. I'd go to a friends midweek because he's got a little studio setup and we'd fuck about on Cubase for hours on end adjusting and readjusting a snare pattern or whatever. That's take me to Wednesday night and I'd come home and, because I was tired, sleep. By the time I got back from work down the record shop on Thursday it'd be 7th Heaven and we'd be too busy loading equipment for the club and by the time we were out it was too late and we wouldn't get the chance to talk as she'd be with R again and my jealousy (fear?) would take over and I'd kick off again and she wouldn't speak to me or go off on a bender again and I would go home and cry and beat the pillow out of sheer frustration in the darkness of our bedroom.
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posted by DJCabbaged @ 11:38 pm
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